Maybe I'm a romantic. I'm in love with the idea of love. All people are I assume. At least all people my age are. I assume. Some people I suppose grow out of it, and I'm too young to know if it's caused by giving all of your love away to people who never give you any back or by keeping all of your love to yourself until it ferments. I certainly don't plan on doing either, but I'm sure nobody plans on falling out of love with love. That's just one of those crazy things life backhands you with. Some people see their parents fight endlessly and determine that only a perfect being is worthy of their love. Other people see people suffer alone needlessly and determine that so long as they are able they will not permit anyone life gives them to suffer alone. The difficult thing is that love only means giving someone the opportunity to hurt you with the knowledge that some day they will. I don't understand why we need that. It's infuriating, but sometimes lovely.
Love since being home from my mission for seven months is elusive.
This girl came up to me today. I think she likes me because I barely know her, but she has come up to me twice and intentionally started a conversion with me. When we talk she laughs too loud at the things I say that are supposed to be funny but aren't.
I'm listening to the old songs. I never thought I could miss anything so painfully as I miss my mission. I didn't miss it for a long time and then one day (I can remember it perfectly) it hit me harder than probably anything has ever hit anyone and from that point on I have spent my time pretending I don't miss my mission. But then I go and listen to the old songs and it all comes back. Each apartment I lived in had a distinct feel to it. If I close my eyes and listen I can feel it strong enough that I almost believe I am back. It's funny that the feeling of each apartment is one of the only things I can hold on to. In my second area I bought this soap. It was the same soap I had had when I lived with Shaley and Ashlin and Jessica, vanilla and black raspberry. When I washed with that soap it smelled like I was back at college and the feeling of that apartment came back. I will never be content with what I've been given. I don't think I will ever stop mission my mission. But I think this is better than not missing it. I really do.
Being in love is both a blessing and a curse. I know from experience. Or at least I tell myself I do. I have yet to replicate that feeling of seeing her walk into a room. Maybe that is holding me back. Maybe I already gave all my love to someone and she didn't give me anything back. I hate missing things. I hate that my whole life will be spent moving on from the things I love.
I forgot what my point was supposed to be.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Too much
So I don't actually post anymore. This isn't a post.
Want to hear something sad? The other day on facebook my roommate was all: Who wants to watch the new Veronica Mars movie with me??? and I didn't say anything because I thought he would watch it long before I got back from spring breaking. Well I just got back and he is in his room watching Veronica Mars. Alone. I guess he didn't get any takers. And it's not like I can just walk into his room and watch it with him. This house seems to alienate people. Like I never talk to my roommates. I mostly spend time in my room alone. And I never invite anyone over because this house is a total disaster. Like it is disgustingly unclean. I've spent some time trying to clean things up, but unless everyone participates it is just a practice in futility. I made cupcakes last week for my coworkers and simply felt awful. If they could see my kitchen I'm not sure they would be willing to eat anything that was cooked in it. Still I could invite people over and hang out in my room. I have my own TV; but this house. I tell people that I don't invite them over because my roommates are weird, but that isn't entirely true. There is just something about this house. Scratch that; there is something about the people in this house. The way we interact is like unhealthy. We all hide away and honestly I never know if anyone is home other than me. (Not really true. When people watch movies or listen to music you can hear it all through the thin walls.) Anyway the point is this house is dirty and my roommates aren't exactly kosher and I am kind of ashamed.
For some reason, finding this house online seemed like a God-sent miracle. I was for reals out of options and then BAM this house showed up, and it turned out being nothing like I thought it was going to be. Somehow that feels like my fault. I made the decision to live here before ever checking out the house (I was desperate, ok?) and so it is my fault that I ended up somewhere unclean and forever away from campus. And with loner roommates. The worst part is that I feel like I deserve exactly what I've gotten, and showing my house to other people would only expose them to the fact that I am a horrible person and don't deserve to live with goody-two-shoe RMs where pictures of the temple decorate the walls.
This doesn't make any sense, but it feels good to write. Half the time when I write I don't say what I really believe. The other half of the time I don't know what I really believe.
My roommate texted me while I was gone for the break and asked when I was going to get back. At the time I thought he wanted to see how long he could throw crazy parties until Marvin Mormon came back to spoil the fun. Now I think he may have just wanted to watch Veronica Mars with me...
Want to hear something sad? The other day on facebook my roommate was all: Who wants to watch the new Veronica Mars movie with me??? and I didn't say anything because I thought he would watch it long before I got back from spring breaking. Well I just got back and he is in his room watching Veronica Mars. Alone. I guess he didn't get any takers. And it's not like I can just walk into his room and watch it with him. This house seems to alienate people. Like I never talk to my roommates. I mostly spend time in my room alone. And I never invite anyone over because this house is a total disaster. Like it is disgustingly unclean. I've spent some time trying to clean things up, but unless everyone participates it is just a practice in futility. I made cupcakes last week for my coworkers and simply felt awful. If they could see my kitchen I'm not sure they would be willing to eat anything that was cooked in it. Still I could invite people over and hang out in my room. I have my own TV; but this house. I tell people that I don't invite them over because my roommates are weird, but that isn't entirely true. There is just something about this house. Scratch that; there is something about the people in this house. The way we interact is like unhealthy. We all hide away and honestly I never know if anyone is home other than me. (Not really true. When people watch movies or listen to music you can hear it all through the thin walls.) Anyway the point is this house is dirty and my roommates aren't exactly kosher and I am kind of ashamed.
For some reason, finding this house online seemed like a God-sent miracle. I was for reals out of options and then BAM this house showed up, and it turned out being nothing like I thought it was going to be. Somehow that feels like my fault. I made the decision to live here before ever checking out the house (I was desperate, ok?) and so it is my fault that I ended up somewhere unclean and forever away from campus. And with loner roommates. The worst part is that I feel like I deserve exactly what I've gotten, and showing my house to other people would only expose them to the fact that I am a horrible person and don't deserve to live with goody-two-shoe RMs where pictures of the temple decorate the walls.
This doesn't make any sense, but it feels good to write. Half the time when I write I don't say what I really believe. The other half of the time I don't know what I really believe.
My roommate texted me while I was gone for the break and asked when I was going to get back. At the time I thought he wanted to see how long he could throw crazy parties until Marvin Mormon came back to spoil the fun. Now I think he may have just wanted to watch Veronica Mars with me...
Friday, January 31, 2014
My actual greatest fear
My greatest fear is totally entropy. I blame Isaac Asimov because I read his short story called The Last Question a few years ago and it haunted and fascinated me. If you read the story you will have a good idea of what I am talking about, but to be brief, entropy is the idea that the universe will degenerate into a state of chaos. Think about it this way: You buy a candy bar at the convenience store. You throw the wrapper away and eat the candy bar. What has happened to the components of what you purchased? The wrapper is in some trash can and the chocolate is being digested in your body.
THEN what happens to the components? Part of the candy is taken into your system while other parts of it are excreted as waste and the wrapper winds up in an unknown landfill.
THEN what happens to the contents? The nutrients are used as energy in your body. The waste is processed in a treatment plant and sent out into the environment again. The wrapper rots.
THEN what happens? Does part of the water evaporate and become a raincloud that ends a drought in Texas? Does it water a field? Is the wrapper picked up by the wind? Burned? And what about you? are you able to use all the energy? and for what? Is there any possible way to bring all the parts of that candy bar back together? No. It went from being so organized and simple to being spread out into millions of pieces over who-knows-how-many miles. And think about all of the millions of candy bars that have been purchased. But why is that scary?
Things degenerate. That is the nature of EVERYTHING. The universe included. Asimov took it on a major scale to remind us that everything in finite. Now look at it this way: What happens to a graduating class? Some move away to go to school. Some stay and work at the fast food joint for years. Some end up in jail. Some die. A group that was once organized and got together every day at your high school becomes- after only a few years- impossible to reassemble. And in 100 years how much of them will even be remembered?
On my mission I was able to see the way entropy destroys things. I was completely removed from my life for two years and when I came back everything had drifted apart. Everybody that I cared about wasn't accessible. Of course over time people move out of your life, but to see it so sudden like that really scared me. I don't know of a single thing that could possibly bring back all of the people I care about even though we used to get together all the time. On my mission we once had an activity that brought together most of the missionaries in my mission. As I watched them all interact I felt like crying and I had no idea why, but now I recognize that for a small instant and in a small way entropy has been reversed.
Asimov equates the reversal of entropy to the power of God. If I could put a name to God's power it would be that. And what is amazing is that we have a little bit of that divinity within us. If you take a shirt out of your closet you can put it back. If you take out all of the clothes in your closet you could put them all back in the same order. That might seem really simple and not cool, but it I the same principle that would enable you to put together a body that has begun to decompose. One of the reasons I believe in God is because I believe that there is an antidote to entropy. All of my relationships are being destroyed by entropy. So much so that I am terrified of making new emotional connections, but I know that there is one relationship that entropy can't touch, and that is the family because God has given the sealing power to man and promised that " whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven" (Matt 18:18). True family units might not always be tight here on earth, but God can fix that.
Someday I think I might write a story about entropy. It will start out very linear and make perfect sense and then it will evolve and spread out and follow several different plotlines and characters and eventually it will be impossible to follow and become incomprehensive babbling. It's funny that they things we want to figure out are the things we spend our time on. At least that is my experience. I still don't have a hold on entropy, but God does, and I trust Him with it.
(To be really technical for the Physics Major that is going to come across this post I want to put a disclaimer that I recognize that I am using the term entropy incorrectly, but I don't have any other word for the phenomenon.)
THEN what happens to the components? Part of the candy is taken into your system while other parts of it are excreted as waste and the wrapper winds up in an unknown landfill.
THEN what happens to the contents? The nutrients are used as energy in your body. The waste is processed in a treatment plant and sent out into the environment again. The wrapper rots.
THEN what happens? Does part of the water evaporate and become a raincloud that ends a drought in Texas? Does it water a field? Is the wrapper picked up by the wind? Burned? And what about you? are you able to use all the energy? and for what? Is there any possible way to bring all the parts of that candy bar back together? No. It went from being so organized and simple to being spread out into millions of pieces over who-knows-how-many miles. And think about all of the millions of candy bars that have been purchased. But why is that scary?
Things degenerate. That is the nature of EVERYTHING. The universe included. Asimov took it on a major scale to remind us that everything in finite. Now look at it this way: What happens to a graduating class? Some move away to go to school. Some stay and work at the fast food joint for years. Some end up in jail. Some die. A group that was once organized and got together every day at your high school becomes- after only a few years- impossible to reassemble. And in 100 years how much of them will even be remembered?
On my mission I was able to see the way entropy destroys things. I was completely removed from my life for two years and when I came back everything had drifted apart. Everybody that I cared about wasn't accessible. Of course over time people move out of your life, but to see it so sudden like that really scared me. I don't know of a single thing that could possibly bring back all of the people I care about even though we used to get together all the time. On my mission we once had an activity that brought together most of the missionaries in my mission. As I watched them all interact I felt like crying and I had no idea why, but now I recognize that for a small instant and in a small way entropy has been reversed.
Asimov equates the reversal of entropy to the power of God. If I could put a name to God's power it would be that. And what is amazing is that we have a little bit of that divinity within us. If you take a shirt out of your closet you can put it back. If you take out all of the clothes in your closet you could put them all back in the same order. That might seem really simple and not cool, but it I the same principle that would enable you to put together a body that has begun to decompose. One of the reasons I believe in God is because I believe that there is an antidote to entropy. All of my relationships are being destroyed by entropy. So much so that I am terrified of making new emotional connections, but I know that there is one relationship that entropy can't touch, and that is the family because God has given the sealing power to man and promised that " whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven" (Matt 18:18). True family units might not always be tight here on earth, but God can fix that.
Someday I think I might write a story about entropy. It will start out very linear and make perfect sense and then it will evolve and spread out and follow several different plotlines and characters and eventually it will be impossible to follow and become incomprehensive babbling. It's funny that they things we want to figure out are the things we spend our time on. At least that is my experience. I still don't have a hold on entropy, but God does, and I trust Him with it.
(To be really technical for the Physics Major that is going to come across this post I want to put a disclaimer that I recognize that I am using the term entropy incorrectly, but I don't have any other word for the phenomenon.)
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