Proof That The Fates Hate Me

In my life I've decided that some things were invented for the sole purpose of being my demise. I'm pretty sure that in a former life I totally wasted one of the Fates in an epic duel and she is getting vengance by coming up with ways to almost kill me on a daily basis. Here are some of those ways:


1. Sprinklers. Pretty simple, right? They're these little things that magically pop out of the ground and spray water and happiness all over and make things grow. But Sprinklers are acctually little robots targeted to kill me. And that water stuff, I'm pretty sure its just piosoned liquid laser beams. Just think about the sound a sprinkler makes: k-chuik-chuik-chuik-chuik-chuik-chuik. It sounds like a machine gun.

I live in a cute little apartment complex with grass and trees and nature and stuff. So whats the best way to keep everything green and happy? Hyper-active sprinklers. They are on 24 hours a day. Also they can hear when people are coming and lie dormant waiting to attack the one they were designed to kill. (Aka me) I'm pretty sure they are motion sensitive. And heat sensitive. Also they can smell fear.

Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I can hear them spraying just outside my window. It sounds like the whisperings of little demon creatures.

This makes going to my apartment a serious problem becuase, as fate would have it, its right in the middle of the everything. Meaning I have to walk past all kinds of sprinklers to get there. Not even the sidewalks are safe. Also because there are always sprinklers going somewhere in my apartment complex, the ground is usually covered in an inch of water. And there is usually fog. And possibly velociraptors. And deep in the recesses of the complex I can hear: k-chuik-chuik-chuik-chuik-chuik-chuik Except for it sounds more like death.

The solution is pretty simple. I usually just get a helicopter to hover just above my apartment and I jump down onto my roof. From there I take the secret passageway to the conservatory and accuse Miss Scarlet with the candlestick. Then I go into my room and hide from the sprinklers in my man-cave.


2. People who spell my name wrong. Unlike sprinklers, this probably happens to normal people too. But wait! you think how can misspelling a name almost kill you on a daily basis? We'll get to that.
These are the most common ways people misspell my name:

• Brice
• Breyece
• Brise
• Bryse
• Brisiona
• Beyonce
• Bartholomew
• Brittany
• Sopholces
• Hephaestus
• Jamal
• Methuselah
• Lars
• Darth Maul
• TheFatesHateYou
• Dakota
• MyNameIsNotThatHardToSpellPeople!!!
• Carl

You can see how irritating this can be. What if my friend is on Who Wants to be a Millionare? and they are on the million dollar question and the question is about Pokemon trivia and they still have the phone-a-friend lifeline and they want to call me because they know I know the answer and when they are asked who they want to call thy say:

Carl.

That could be a problem because Carl wouldn't know anything about Pokemon. Also if I gave my friend the winning answer to the million dollar question I'm pretty dang sure that I would end up with at least 65% of it. Because I have good friends.


3. The Cold. So the cold is more than just the temperature. It is caused partially by these little flying creatures. Thay are invisible. And heat sensitive. And i call them evil-demons-of-coldness-and-also-sorrow. Or just Cold Demons for short. You may notice that sometimes if you are outside in the cold and you stop walking to talk to people it suddenly gets colder. This is because of the Cold Demons. They hone in on groups of people that look even slightly warm. And then they attack.

You know what I mean. Have you ever randomly had a shiver attack for absolutley no reason? Yeah. Now you know why. Its cause a dozen little cold demons decided to jump down your back.

The worst part about this is that while having a shiver attack one is completely immoble and succeptable to other attacks from vicious animals/creatures from my imagination.


4. Stage Curtains. stage curtians are thick and heavy and made of the skin of a cross breed between a killer whale and a rhino. Except they are pretty colors to make people less intimidated by them. It obvoiusly works because nobody else believes that curtains are dangerous.

They are.

When I see a stage curtian its like looking at a inpenatrable castle wall that extends forever in every direction. There is only one way to get past this wall and that is by finding the secret hidden slit in the middle that happens to be invisible.

This is hard enough but what really makes stage curtains evil is that they are always placed on a stage which means that while you are trying to make it through the castle wall of doom, the whole world is watching you. And by watching you I mean laughing at you.


5. Shower Curtains.  You know whats the scariest part about going to someone else's house? Going to the bathroom. And not because you have to ask where it is and it is all awkward, but because of shower curtains

They are designed so that you can't see through them. You aren't supposed to know what is on the other side.

Isn't that creepy? And they are in every bathroom

And the worst part: you can't get close enough to find out what is on the other side without becoming easy prey.


Reader, Don't get the wrong impression. These last two items may lead you to believe that I hate all curtains. This is not so. I love window curtains. They are like cute little picture frames that make everything seen through the window look joyful and picturesque. Also they add atmosphere to a room. They are so happy. In fact most fairies can only be seen through a curtained window.

Betcha didn't know that.